Your Tree

Standing tall before you
Extending high above sharing its beauty
The warm hues of autumn
Illuminated by the sun beyond
Raining golden beams of light across the skin
Feeling warmed, the smile forming
Breathe deep in
Smell the kiss of ember red leaves in the air
Raise your arms to mimic her beauty
Feel closer to her then before
Bask in her beauty
She's happy to share it with you
Follow her many branches from the outside inward
As each branch represents a pearl of wisdom
It all comes together in one magnificent trunk
Having bared witness to the sands of time
Giving home to generations of animals
She is home
An island amidst the acres
Solitary and strong
Listen to the rustle of the leaves
Enjoy the gift of your tree

________________________

the tree I pictured while writing this was an oak tree....what would have been yours?
  

broken

moments flash by
a reel of memories
the edges begin to melt
blending into one another
feel the warmth within
feeling all of the emotion contained
the intensity takes my breathe away

the creature within
the one who feeds the hamster wheel
likes to tempt
likes to play tricks
would rather you isolate
become an island
ever protected by your boundaries
never letting it in
self-preservation is the code
never breaking the bond
sadly a tear begins to fall
able to see when there is so much more

a fog rolls into view
dusting everything in the murky mist
everything is grey...
bleak...
broken...

my friend...

Comfort
is what you bring to my life
Strength
is what you've helped me regain
Courage
you recognized I still have it
Laughter
you bring to my life every day
Tears
you share with or let go of with me
Dreams
you've helped me give voice to again
Giving
you have shown me how to be selfless
Acceptance
you have always given me
Love
you've demonstrated the many layers that should exist
Play
you reminded me what it means to be playful
Dance
you've shown me how to dance to my own tune
Fight
we've helped each other recognize we have it in us
a Gift
is what your friendship is to me

thank you for being my friend...
   

Ego

(written in 1996 sometime)       
_______________

the guy came sliding home
he felt happiness unknown
not to him before
now he's scored
he's all aglow
run his fingers through his fro
and thought, "Oh man........"
he'd finally accomplished his plan
to score the winning run
to finally get his rock on
now its time to brag
give the gory details, the slag
he came chargin' in so fast
scoring, having a blast
describing how the dust flew
as he slid home.

now you tip the cup
to toast through the foam
from your beer
the guys give a cheer.
you smile and kick back
you know you got the knack
you've now done it all.....

               

(untitled - 2000)

(written in 2000)

_________

There are moments so clear
Standing alone and scared.
You've taken everything from me
Left me with all of this.
Not sure what to do now.
Can my eyes behold another?
Tears washing away
The trace of memories.
Close my eyes and I can still sense you.
Try to escape to another place.
Down in the depths within myself.
Don't let anyone see
You've taken it all away from me.
Please tears wash it away.
Take away the traces of you
Tired of aching deep inside.
Need to feel something other than this.
No one should ever feel this alone.
Not when surrounded by love.
I look for it, but I'm blinded by it.
Not quite sure how to discover it again.
Give it back! what you've taken from me.
Let me be whole again.
Don't want to give you the satisfaction.
You won't win this time.
The tears will wash you away.
Setting me free for a while.
I can only wait for when that is.
Hurting deeply inside until then.
Slowly repairing and healing
The wounds you've inflicted.
  

Sucked In

(written 1/13/2005)
_________

Standing on a beach, the surf swells
Washing over my feet,
Rinsing away my thoughts.
A faint scent of you lingers on the breeze.
Drifting to me as a torment.
You've walked away from me.
My feet begin to sink into the sand.
I drop to my knees
Burying my hands.
Reaching for a tangible thought.
Waves splash my face.
Disguising the moisture which already exists.
Fell too fast, that's what they'll say.
Cared too quick.
Reached out too hasty for you.
I don't even require much of you.
Never given a chance to explain.
A harsh breeze arises now
Taking with it the last smells of you.
I lower my head,
My hair dances across the surface.
Please rinse it away, all of it.
Restore the rigid side I used to hold.
Allow me to regain,
All that I can't seem to grasp these days.
The sand is covering so much of me,
I feel sucked in...
                         

anglo-saxon verse

Anglo-Saxon Verse
(written in April 1996)
________________________

The thrilling breeze,
                 cut through the night.
Random chills,
                 reverberate in my back.
I silently shudder,
                 closing my jacket.
Walking faster,
                 hurrying home.
Listening to,
                 footsteps slowing behind me.
My stoop,
                is in my sights.
Reaching them,
               fumbling for the keys.
Grabbing doorknob,
                unlock it, flick the light.
Shut the door,
                breathing only relief.
        

Love vs. Hate

Love vs. Hate

(written in may '96)

- I clearly was smitten with a boy...sounds so intense. i can hardly remember ever feeling this dramatic, or this much of a romantic. but when I was in high school, trying to get the intensity out of my mind,  this is what I wrote.

___________

falling further every day;

wishing yet knowing that you'll stay

i long to be at your side

holding me close in your arms

swallow the sorrow of yesterday

i swallowed it down

now i can say

i'm falling further every day;

falling for you and your ways.

i'm falling in love...

i will now say....say it aloud...

i'm not ashamed

cuz i love you

at least i think so

i thought i know so

we can fear such a wonderful thing

its special; my heart longs to feel it

feel it in return

i think i found the one who can be

closer to me yet closer to you

i'm never alone

i'm alone all the time

i need to rely on myself

on those i trust

but do you rely

i hope no one steals my love's heart

why do i question

if you rely on oneself...

you hurt and cry and try

try to be alone

how can i be alone

i'm surrounded by love

Love VS. Hate.

         

a Rose (May 1996)

free-hand writing I did in HS (May 1996).
_________

a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet...
so then, what's in a name?
can we even label how we feel, when we just know...
does it really need a name?
Love - what does the word mean?
the word itself is meaningless
unless you give it meaning
to know it, feel it, smell it, hold it,
and see its true beauty.
These walls are up so strongly in my head,
they are so powerful - yet weak - yet dead.
How do they come down and how will they fall?
once they do, where will i stand?
i need a hand to pull me through this.
there's no sure way to get me through.
i need to know why....
we have to try,
to see,
our way into tomorrow.
Can't we be surprised?
we need to name everything
my life may be entailed with dark and hidden secrets.
skeletons in my closet.
just like anyone else.
but they are trying to get out.
to spread the word - to get heard.
to let all know, all the words - all the names.
only to be thrown back in my head.
all the hurt
all the thoughts
all the secrets
all the love
all the lust
all the hate
all the evil
all the good
all the laughter
all the smiles
all the thoughts
all the names
all the words...
 

Blind of Inadequacies (Nov. 2002)

I think I have a guess as to why I wrote this...it was in November of 2002, which is around a time when I was going through a break up...
 _______________

Look and laugh
You're good at it
Feel better yet?
You should.
Because now you're 10 feet tall
Talk all you want.
I know your motives.
You think you know me.
You know nothing.
The chaos surrounds you.
And you're oblivious.
The waves creeping up behind you.
Lapping at your feet.
And you are blind.
Wrapped in your glee.
Tasting your victory.
Over what?
Pointing out my inadequacies?
The sand disintegrating beneath you
As the waves wash over.
Sweeping you into nothingness.
I remain standing
Strong and safe.
While you grasp at nothing.
I am steadfast.
Rested and safe.
The rock beneath me you relish.
The branches above me, keeping me dry.
You loathe me.
The sun on my face.
You hate all of it.
Becoming aware of your inadequacies
....slipping away....
Into your own chaos.
I enjoy the warmth.
Peaceful in my own element.
                   

Spen Serian (March 1997)

written in my senior year of high school. for an english class. i wrote a ton for this class & I guess I kept a lot of it.

_____________

How can two stay together for so long
When they are actually so far apart
Just staying in it, is completely wrong
Think I can't handle it; not a strong heart?

Believe me, I would handle it, I'm smart.
I'm not a baby, I can deal with it.
It will be hard, but I can play the part.
Don't pamper me now; enough with that shit!

Don't like this feeling, gonna have a fit.
I'm pissed you waited so long to tell me.
You were afraid you were gonna get bit?
I'm strong, never to be brought to my knees.

So, I'll just toss and turn at night and wish
Hoping it'll all fade away in the mist.

nyquil dream

i've been battling a cold & last night when I took my nyquil to help me sleep...I had one of the infamous nyquil dreams I've come to know when I take it.

______

I open my eyes to a scene out of a zombie apocalypse movies. I'm suddenly frantic & trying to mobilize to find my family and friends. I'm in my parents house in Stoughton (at least I know its supposedly the house). Details are off though. There's a brand new car in the garage, one I instantly recognize as my dad's (even though I've never seen the car before). As I grab the handle to go into the house, when the door opens, I step into my childhood bedroom. Not the room I had in this house, but the room I had growing up in Cottage Grove. As I walk into my room, I hear a rustling in the corner. My mom is digging through my things, trying to throw the important things into a bag. I turn around to find a zombie in the doorway. I bolt for the window, throwing a drawer through it as I go & run as fast as I can. Blindly tearing through a forest, branches scratching as I progress. When I finally stop to catch my breath, I realize I'm standing in the open of a beautiful glen. the coloration here is surreal, vibrant purples, teals and orange. The flowers dance in the breeze, the tall grass following in its own cadence. a soft white rabbit bounds into view. I fall to my knees under the crush of the blow. Only now do I realize, the creature made the journey with me. at the final moment, I hear a warrior's cry & see him charging at the thing. he will set me free, but will it be in time? I close my eyes & when I open them, I am standing in a field of purple, alone. I turn around and see the new car again. I can feel myself floating above now. observing and watching, no longer participating. but I can still feel that I am in control. as i float above, I see the final moments before the creatures attack the house, the neighbors, and moving on. I begin to fly above it all.
Flying over miles & miles, seeking out safe refuge. While still seeking loved ones. I begin to feel like I'm falling, about to crash into the ground.
I awake with a jolt, a scream caught in my throat. I'm sitting up in bed, feeling fried. I reach for the glass of water. As I set the glass back down, the door to the next door bedroom slams closed.

An intense finish to an intense nyquil dream. Somehow, I always find myself flying during any of these nyquil dreams.

blinded by the light

blinded by the light
standing in the open
exposed
alone
strong
sure
whole
a new beginning
in control
close your eyes and envision it before you
face your fears and realize your weakness
realize you already know what to do
focus on the next steps
when you  can see it before you
just out of reach
this is the chance, the last opportunity
to finally let yourself be free
to stand on your own two feet
to finally realize
its not about needing
its about wanting
and letting go

see what ride awaits
 

cascading needles

rustling within the tree
cascading needles to the ground
a soft sound as if sniffing
perhaps looking for the perfect seed
just one more before the cold settles in
to keep all fed and safe

rustling within the tree
cascading needles to the ground
an owl emerges, extending its wings
preparing for his nocturnal flight
it begins to search for prey
perfect stillness before delight

rustling within the tree
cascading needles to the ground
the breeze softly caresses skin
slowly goosebumps ripple onto the surface
sending a chill down the spine
strangely alerting you to its movements

rustling within the tree
cascading needles to the ground
with a soft sound as it lands in earth
a single pine cone
having freshly expelled its seed
coming to rest on the forest floor

rustling within the tree
cascading needles to the ground
as if dancing on each limb
freeing the needles to fall in beauty
the wind softly kisses each as they fall
softly whispers tease the ear

trading places (may 1996)

something i wrote in an high school english class.

___________

amidst the night walks one, alone.
lost, willingly ~ with hopes unknown.
my eyes are searching for that person
trying to help the one without reason.
maybe they could help me too...
my mind clouds over with midnight's dew.
alive you are without my darkness.
and here i stand weak and powerless.
why is all this coming to?
i came to help you, not to help myself.
reality is losing its appeal.
you turn around ~ careful not to reveal,
your troubles, doubts and maybe even fears.
it'll all be swept away by dawn
i'll wake up and be cold ~ alone.
while that other one will have found himself.
we traded places ~ that was my help.

falling (2-20-2003)

something i wrote early 2003. i'm not sure the context anymore...but it still has words...
____________________

In life we encounter few that are genuine
Rarely a connection made so quick.
When unseen possibilities occur
We are blinded by the gift
Holding back ourselves for fear its real.
As we begin to let ourselves become open.
     We may lose ground.

when the grip is lost...
     we fall.

Drifting amidst the clouds of doubt.
Feel those tears cleanse ourselves.
So the eyes become clear again.
Coming into focus before you
Stands the genuine article.
Let those fears wash away

As you feel your grip strengthen again
Together take a step into the surf
Swept away from the world of chaos.
     No longer alone.

every breath you take...

as a child, i can remember a particular song that i listened to on repeat...every breath you take. its a song that makes me think, of when I would lay out on the deck or run with the dog in the yard. Other memories of swimming in the pool to it, making up dives with a friend. i'd float along listening to it, staring up at the clouds. daydreaming with the hush of the water in my ears, watching birds fly by. letting my mind drift to the clouds, thinking of where the birds might be headed. 

i'd lay on the warmed sidewalk, my white shepard by my side. heidi was my best friend. she knew all my secrets. she'd swim with me from time to time, just a small circle and then back out. 

when my friend would come over, we'd sing our hearts out to this song & plenty of others.  we were always swimming or climbing trees...

the song makes me think of warm summers spent in the sun. totally outdoors and totally my own. the melodies floating through my mind. i can remember the first time this song made me think of a boy and blush...

i remember building forts in the trees & crafting shacks in the back yard. other times this melody would be drifting over to me from the back yard. singing along to the refrain, thinking about the cool water's kiss & the other version of myself...

sitting in the bottom of the pool. still able to hear the song playing on the radio. it turned up so loud, but the neighbors never complained. sitting down in the bottom...open my eyes, let my nose go. just relax. i could sit down there for a few brief minutes. quiet. absolute quiet. it was so peaceful, serene. i'd think about my life, my future. about my world. my world. the one i lived in. the one i was growing up in. the one that was mine. 

i thought about it a lot.

a song carries so many memories, some sweet, some happy, some bittersweet. i enjoy hearing the ones that make me think of those people whose lives have touched mine. 

Write it Out

10-22-2004

Sleep eludes me again these days

     Try & relax

Thoughts distracting me

     Clear my mind

But it makes way for more

     Write it out

Never stops flowing

     Breathe in deep

Waiting for it to wash over me

     My mind drifts

Laying awake for hours

     Getting sick of it

Am I anxious or nervous

     Or just lonely

Too much to do

     Not enough time

Who knows?

     Write it out

Sort out my thoughts

Make some sense of it all.

     Eyes Close.

worthy

reading between the lines,

there is a lack of trust

something was lost along the way

not forgotten

but its been refused

never allowed to come back

not unless its proven itself worthy

passed each stage of the trials

but there is one last fight

one last hurdle to overcome

one last challenge to defeat

are any of us worthy

May 1997 - another Sestina

I stand on a beach, with waves from the ocean

Watching the sun disappear on the horizon.

It slowly drifts away, and I am alone.

I close my eyes to walk in those footsteps

The ones left by you from years ago.

I'll try and reach you, to uncover the truth.

I'm lonely without you, I'll admit my truth.

How'd I get to be far from you and this alone?

I guess it took time to realize you left long ago.

I feel the only thing staying is the ocean.

No one dare budge it, with its horizon.

Nothing in nature could follow in its footsteps.

Could there possibly be anyone to follow my footsteps?

Or would it take years for them or ages to go

I wish I could see all that's held in the ocean

If only I could watch the sun melt into the horizon

Somehow, it could help me discover all my truth

Then I wouldn't mind being alone. 

All that seems old fashioned, so long ago

Sometimes, I'd like ot question if its really the truth

All our lives we nod, agree and follow in footsteps

But don't they tend to leave us alone?

Hoping I won't trip and slip away into the ocean.

Since I've stared too long at the horizon.

Then I'd be floating in the salty water ~ alone.

Craving water or dry land, anything but ocean.

Then I look ahead, searching for land on the horizon.

Is there anything? Yes........is that the truth?

Now my mind's going mad because I hear footsteps.

Ignore it - its got to be from memories from years ago.

A ship is sailing from the horizon

I'm dreaming, just as if I hear footsteps.

Anything's good enough now, when looking for truth.

Even if it doesn't match, what I've known from years ago

Above all, I want to get away from the ocean.

To be free of the salty ocean.

To be surrounded by love and you, not alone.

To discover what I need to know - only truth!

May 1997 - a Sestina

Stay by my side, hold my hand,

Let me know you're here; I'm not alone.

The lonliest time for me is night,

While everyone's tucked away, my eyes stay open.

I walk in a daze, dreaming of him.

Now, the mystery of him continues.

I go to your house; your door won't open.

I need you my friend; but you're off with him.

No one to turn to now; I stand alone.

Time passes and so do people; my mind continues.

I sit on the sidewalk; then someone takes my hand.

There stood my timeless companion, night.

Suddenly I realize I was never really alone.

I could smile...and say goodbye to night.

I see my friends, reach for a hand,

I look all around me, trying to find him.

There's a new warmth around me; it continues.

I return to your house, the door stands open.

a phone call

a phone call
changes my mood
rips the rug out from under
leaves me speechless
gasping for air
fighting the hot angry tears
dreading the future
of whats to come
the perfect facade in the light of day
but alone, it crumbles...falling away
i listen for the soft tink
as each piece falls.
once the facade is lost,
more pieces follow
like dominos falling over
as if checking themselves off a list
the smile is gone
my clear mind becomes chaos,
taking the slippery ride into the abyss.
i let myself feel it all
only for a short while
before i have to pick the pieces back up
and figure a new way to stick them back together
to hide the chaos i've so carefully buried
by rebuilding the perfect facade.

its almost too much to bare...

again...

wasn't once enough?

i will be there thru it all
i will be strong for you
i will prepare for it
i will care for you

and i will do it alone.
because there's no other way...

gypsy woman

   a gypsy woman rode into town. her carriage drawn by a strong steel grey horse. It was clear she was fixin' to keep to herself. she had a fierce look in her eyes. as her carriage continued its slow rolling pace, she slowly raised a brow. and before their eyes as she smiled fer face melted into a ravenous beauty. at once transformed. they no longer saw her age nor her wear, they were beholden to her gaze.
  the horses seemed to slow their stride in unison as the woman leaned down towards a young blonde girl. she was extending a single yellow rose kissed by just a hint of pink and orange. the woman dipped to give her thanks. as she pulled the rose from the child, she closed her hand around her hand. for an instant she held it softly. but then, without warning she squeezed her her hand around the child's. closing tight around her soft and delicate little fingers. the gypsy releases her hand, smiling. she pulls her hands slowly upward toward to her growing smile. in anticipation the gypsy breathes in deeply, relishing in the aroma. the child sits crying, holding her bleeding hand.

the gypsy's carriage continues to move. dust slowly drifts up from the crunching rock and dusty ground. everyone remains still, frozen for the moment. one by one, those who bared witness, turned and walked away.

fairy tales

paralyzed with fear
questioning everything
carrying the doubt
letting it win
frightened of it
of letting it out
or letting it in
walls surround
wrapped by a moat
protected by a forest
so many trees
as far as the eye can see
beyond that a canyon
whose edge kiss the mountains
and going beyond
one last lake to cross
there it stands.
will passage be granted?