a Girl's Tears - 1997

This is another piece I wrote when I was 17. Its another emotionally raw excerpt. And I carry the same sentiment about this as I do with the other post of "a Girl's Tears - 1996."

This again comes from words being used in a way so unfair. i never will understand why the path carried on as it did. but i have the strength with me to this day to carry me through regardless.

______________________________________

2-18-1997

i can't stand to be here
all we do is fight
i can't stand the sight of you
you make me sick
all you do is bitch
i do what you ask
its never enough
i do all the extras
and you can't notice
i stay up at night
because i can't sleep
until exhaustion sets in
i cry until dawn
you look at me with disgust
I'll go about my business
try & stay out of your way
not aggravating the situation
to make the next day bearable
i walk on pins and needles
careful, ever careful.
if you should break
i'll run so fast
you love to see me in pain
why do you do this?
your eyes pierce my soul
you look at me with such vengeance
i ask you why
a tear drops from my eye
you caused me such pain
you don't even care
continuing to speak in vain
slinging blame on everyone else
tell me i'm no good
i stand up to you this once
i know that i should
i can't believe i'm taking the chance
to stand against you
my ultimate fear
is being revealed before my very eyes
another tear, then another
you come at me
with the only intent of hurt
i quickly regret
i've turned you against me
i need to run
but can't
frozen in the moment
never should feel this way
not when I just want to make you happy
to please you
to make you proud
but you're jealous of me

why?

caught in the midst of a world following your rules
your  universe that i've somehow tainted
too much weight placed on me
for things i don't comprehend nor understand
egg shells crunch beneath my feet
i will continue to try
to make you see me
for who i am
for who i want to be
someday you'll claim the victory
of all my accomplishments
stating it was all you
but i know in my very soul
it was all me
forced into adulthood
hiding away the youthful fancy
so you cannot break me.
   

fading image.

written in September 2003.

__________________________________________

As the image of you begins to fade
I struggle to hear your voice true
To see your smile as it was before
To hear your laughter along with mine
The ability to seek your guidance
Has been taken from me.
To know you'll be there for me to cry on
To know you won't be able to hold me when I'm scared
Or give me the extra shove when I'm dragging along.
Yet you are here
You're all around me
Only, sometimes thats just not enough.
Selfishness does no good
Yet I can't help but feel this way
Even though you can't be here physically
You're still ever so present
You've become a legend of sorts
Forever kept alive through our words,
our stories,
our love.
 

an example

The weakest minds
     make for the bravest fools
             who are forever fearless.
The strongest will
      carries through any obstacle
             determined to finish each task.
The largest heart
      gives ability to endure it all
              leaves room to help those who cannot.
A loving soul
      opens the eyes to appreciate the little things
              helping others to do the same.
With an intelligent mind, heart & soul,
      you've gotten through it all.
You are so strong
      so brave
              so loving.
I feel lucky to have known you.
      What an example you've set for all.
   

could be all or none

whats it like when you're on fire.
when you can't find relief.
like there is no air at all.
you can't breathe.
its gone.
the intensity renders you speechless.
your mind goes numb.
incapable of rational thought.

as the buzz in your head fades over time
what remains is only a memory
but a memory of what?

lust?
love?
hate?
fear?
anger?

it could be all or none.
  

words v1.0

dream

nightmare

dreamscape

landscape

wordscape

words crammed on a line.

jumbled together in prose

clumsily falling out of our mouths

each given its life

its own personality

wandering constantly in my mind

melodic rhythms of consonants

along the way forming patterns

forming a path through my mind

like a river of ideas

constantly flowing

traveling through...forming branches

side streams

leaving their touch

spreading their roots

planting seeds

of truth.

some may mature into beautiful meadows

others into a densely wooded forest

some will cut

slice away a piece of you

taking with it a trophy

forever seared in mind

others will never see the light

for they are withheld

out of fear

out of love

some words may find their way

through the darkened cave

where the soft light

of what used to be

remains hidden.

protected.

it was placed there for safe keeping

its such a very special piece

the place where the world stopped

where not a single word will be found

because it cannot be described with words

it cannot be defined

whats left when words wield their damage

 you want to say hollow, but that's not it.

so completely heavy & dense,

a million pounds of pressure

in the bottom of the abyss.

but none of it captures it.

instead it must be dispersed

allowed to flow within the river

carried along as it makes the circuit

dancing through memories

experiencing the emotion

remembering the smells

the textures

the sounds of voices

saying words. 

  forever easing the weight of words.

Coyotes Dream

the melodic notes drift along the rift
carrying with it inspirations
enchanting in my mind the perfect combinations
or proper pairing to flatter the piece
unusual, unique, understated.
as a singled selection
or complete a trinity
sometimes with deeper meaning
or just a playful dance in color
experiment in combinations
in collaborations
new and old
following themes
or setting trends
through the coyote dreams
the possibilities are endless.

see the light

astonishingly embarrassed
beyond words
speech has left the building
& is laughing hysterically
from the outside looking in
seriously.
all there is to know is yeah,
it really did happen.
stomach churning.
never fails

nerves rule.
little bastards.

can't think straight
and should be fine by now
this is different
all that mumbo jumbo
couldn't be
won't be
right?

seriously its shocking
how nerves come knocking
sending us into a fit
losing trust when its legit
still have hope
want more than to cope
everything shifts
onto a new melodic rift
wondering how to proceed
when direction is all you need
instead fall in shadow
stepping back from the light
choosing to be shallow
and melt into the night
never ready to give anymore
because its a chore

life decides when paths change.
fingers decide to deceive
eyes tell all lies
baring them to the light
vulnerability fiercely guarded
when we've been broken-hearted

come on, see the light...

genuine friends

with a little one curled up on my lap. laughing and chatting with two very special women. the sun is setting, great music is accompanying this beautiful moment in time. as the stars come out and the crickets begin to sing they lullabies, the little one on my lap tells me about the angels she can see in the stars. how you can only see them through a special filter. in that moment, I realize, she believes in magical things. just as much as I do. and probably much more. she cuddles back in and listens to us talk. bundled in a blanket, staying cozy & warm.
its been so long since I've seen my friend laugh and look completely happy. i have missed your smile my friend. and your laughter. we both know how to completely let go and enjoy the moment. there are times we both hesitate or feel we must hold back. but i think slowly...ever slowly, we're finding the strength to let it be. because if someone can't handle it, then they aren't meant to be around us. you deserve someone who wants to know it all.
and my new friend...who really isn't so new. someone i feel i have known for years. your devotion to your music is intoxicating. to see & hear you place is magical. you have an air about you...a light comes through when you play. you have found love in an amazing man. you have accomplished so much but know exactly what it took to get there. you appreciate so much and more humble than I could've imagined. you have a grace about you, a peaceful and calm spirit. I can't wait to see the magical time with your name in lights. your ease and confidence make it hard not to be around. your sisters are fortunate to have your example at home for however long it can last.
I am thankful for genuine friends.
  

waking from slumber

waking up to a new day. opening the eyes as the rest of my body stretches out to release the slumber. let out a little squeak in relief because its exactly what I needed. as I begin to relax again I curl back up into the covers. enjoying the quiet moment before the day begins. breathe in the light scent of laundry still present in the sheets. as I roll over, I can hear the birds singing their chorus as the frogs carry their own melody to compliment. a breeze carries through the window smells of damp trees and earth. I take one last chance to curl into a spot still cool in the bed, letting out a soft whimper. the slumber has lifted and I am ready to accomplish what I need to today.
time to get up and enjoy every minute.

begin again

sometimes life has a different plan
has something unexpected ready to throw at you
when you thought you were already facing the larger issue
being ripped to shreds by an child trapped in someone else's shell
at the time, the stress was deemed the worst
only to round a corner to be blindsided
petty.
and I just don't care.
shocking outcome of feelings in response
but for everything I bring to the table, if its not enough.
whatever.
time for a fresh start
an opportunity to reinvent myself
to stay or go
to start over or begin again in same path
all the possibilities
passion.
creative outlets I've ignored for so long will finally have proper light
feeling so restricted & controlled is finally lifted
relief.
  

the lighthouse

standing in the sand
wiggling toes to sink in
ankles gently caressed by the rolling surf
salty brine kissed on the lips
the breeze carrying with it nights' air
bringing a calm over the dunes
turn towards the cliffs
looking up to the looping light
pick up the sandals
begin the climb up the stairs
taking your time
enjoying the seagulls call
circling around in a flutter
at last the top of the stairs is reached
the stiff tall grass greets you
walk through it along the narrow path
letting fingers drag across the tops
take in the wafts of a fire
coming from within the looping lights home
step over the threshold
into the room warmed by the wood stove
there on the table a cup waits
for the hot cocoa warming on the stove
with the soft smells of chocolate
warming the palms of your hands
you begin to climb the steps
reaching the top to our spot
where we sit just under the looping light
and gaze out onto the endless ocean
from our slice of paradise...
the lighthouse
 

patience

patience is a virtue
or at least thats how the saying goes
what is patience called
when its a way of being
a way of life
a state of being always in demand
when you don't have a choice
but to be patient for the ones you love
no matter what may come
because they're family
they've always been there for you
they raised you to be the person you are
if this is true
then where is return of said patience
why is it never given in kind
was all of it inherited
leaving nothing for themselves
instead a sense of entitlement
for countless wrongs
recited for your listening pleasure
again and again
never held accountable
facts always twisted just so
throwing blame on everything else
on anyone else
but most of the time,
blame is on my shoulders alone
the weight of it is there
always has been
seems it always will be
for every improvement made
in a single sentence the weight comes back
awful dead weight
along with the weight
comes patience
like a gift
relief after the hurricane
i accept patience as one of my gifts.
for without it....
who knows how things would unfold.