Ho'oponopono

I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you

4 wise sentences I've recently learned about. A Hawaiian mantra I learned of created by Ho'oponopono. To say them each day, repeat them a couple times....it will bring a smile to your face. It will bring amazing things into your life. It is simple. But makes major impact.

It is a Hawaiian forgiveness ritual. "It comes from the ancient teachings called 'Huna.' 'Hu' means knowledge & 'na' represents 'wisdom.' The guardians of this ancient teaching are called 'kahunas' - Huna experts."  (from the book Ho'oponopono by Ulrich E. Dupree)

Gives new meaning to the word kahunas!! Doesn't it?? I started reading this little book last night & this was only a couple pages in. A great philosophy which could make a great impact.

"Ho'oponopono is a simple way of arriving at unity, inner peace and returning to harmony."

In any case, I was told about this practice by two friends who are also healers. They have expressed to me the many blessings and positive flow that returns to you by incorporating this into their everyday life.

I have been doing it for 2 days.

I was finally able to write out the blockage I've had in place for years now. (you can read that powerful release called 'Loss' in my blog if you haven't already. From two days of saying....I have finally found my way back to writing again. To my words again :)

I cannot wait to see what it continues to bring forward & unlock in my life. So simple. So cool.

I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you

loss.

dusting the cobwebs off....loosening the reins so i might step off the high horse. find myself in preservation mode for too long. time to get real and heal. time to use my words to mend the wounds of loss. outward shell depicting a self who is 'fine' all the time. making progress each day. waking each morn to wonder what i've done. its been a long time since i allowed the words to flow. too raw & real are my words. too effective in expressing the process.

not afraid anymore.

life is full of daily challenges. daily successes. daily struggles. daily failures. daily smiles and laughs. finding new perspective to change attitude. perspective was there already, but stifled. stuffed down for fear of not being ready. but thats not living. especially when i still have the gift of life to enjoy. need to live again. breathe again. feel free again. drop the chains i've placed on myself for some seeming failure i put on myself in my time of taking care of you. taking a day off is okay.
I have to say it again. taking a day off is ok.
and once more.......when I took a day off it was ok.
When I took that particular day off - it was okay.
When I took that particular day off it IS okay.
I forgive me...
I forgive you.

______________________
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you
______________________

Feeling the sense of having failed someone for 2 years is a long time. Especially when that person I failed is no longer here to release me of it. I have to release me. And I find myself working through that process in these words.

i never know where my words will take me. I rarely edit or plan out what i write...I let it flow. let the words come through in a natural form. today, i learn, in order to begin again & write again, I needed to let this out. i needed to let it flow out of me.........the loss........the sense of failure. its finally leaving me.

i feel it washing over me in intense waves. the sadness. the grief. all of it bottled for too long. all of it contained so as not to upset. no one wants to witness intense emotion, not unless it is overjoyed happiness. or intense love. but you cannot love again unless you have allowed yourself to let go of your pain. the outer shell will fail eventually. mine has had cracks in it for some time. little by little, bit by bit, i have let it slowly start to seep out. its time to crack open & crack OFF that shell. no more.

for those who know me....you see a person always smiling & happy. daily i focus on things i can be thankful for, my home to keep me safe & warm. my health, my mobility....these are the things that have enabled me to put forth the impression of happiness while inside i had contained what really was going on. in order to move forward & be who i need to be in this next chapter of my life...i need to release that which no longer serves me. i speak of doing that with physical things, but it also must be done with my emotional baggage too.
______________________
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you
______________________

Loss is a horrendous experience. To go through it so many times already at my age, can nearly be too much in moments. but....this too shall pass. as all things do. i will allow myself to feel this now. to let it flow through. and each time it hits me again....it will have less impact. the time it takes my breath away will lessen. the moments that will follow will be richer for it. i will have greater appreciation for those around me. I must. for our time is always limited. that will never change. but no longer will i be a shell version of myself. because that is not authentic. i want to be remembered by those i leave behind as a genuine whole-hearted person. not as someone who always appeared happy, but everyone knew was still deeply sad inside.

I love you Grandpa.
I miss you every day. Since the day we said good-bye when I was 6

I love you Grandma.
I miss you every day, since the day we said good-bye when I was 14

I love you Dad.
I miss you Daddy.
I miss you everyday, since the day i had to say good-bye to you when i was 23
Good-bye Daddy.

I love you Mom
I miss you Mom
I am so sorry Mom
Please forgive me Momma
I miss you everyday, since the day i had to say good-bye and leave you in peace, when i was 34
Good-bye Momma
______________________
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you
______________________

I've lost so many more than this.....I have been to many funerals. My heart aches each time. But i never linger long in that feeling - for they have moved on & are free of feeling whatever ailed them in this life. I am not afraid of death. I have sat with each of these four people as they let go. It is truly a blessing and a privilege to be with someone as they cross over. It is total peace. the hard part is we want things to stay the same. and they cannot. but they can continue. in our hearts and minds, in our memories.

because....when you're standing inside of a home whose walls contain so many memories....it is easy to wall yourself within to protect yourself from feeling so much. or at least it seems easy. but really, its a choice. i chose that way. we each choose our path. now i choose different.
______________________
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you
______________________

originally written on 05/10/2013 - not published until now.
_________________________________________________________________________________


silence broken
need to find the voice again
let the fingers carry it out
drag it out, kicking and screaming. willing me to break down. trying to crack and crumble me to pieces. but i assure you...i'm not done yet.
stories...i love stories. and i've so many to tell. it should seem to be so easy. but sometimes its writing things out thats terrifying. giving it life. especially on the worldwide. so often it comes in rhymes as it fights it way to stay put. preferring to torture from within a little longer. rather than be committed to paper. once its out of my head. once its caught in the wind. it loses its weight. it loses its singe.
i fear i've reached my limit in silence. so i give it life to myself and whomever chooses to follow me.

originally drafted on 03/17/2013, but not published. Never published for fear of overwhelming the person written about. but that person left my life some time ago now....so I'll publish it now to share a moment i truly felt back then.
_________________________________________________________________________________

when i closed my eyes to think about him, this is what came to mind. standing in the woods up north, his kids running around...laughing, playing. We were crazy about each other. it was honestly overwhelming. :) it was beautiful...the thing i know in my heart right now...he's worth the wait. b/c i don't even look at it as waiting. i'm getting to know him however he's able to let me right now. and i love it. he's amazing.



close my eyes
deep breath in

wafts of pine in the air
forest floor under my toes
i hear the soft caw of the owl
the breeze rustles through the trees
bringing chills
followed by a smile
your arms close around my waist
as i feel your kiss against my neck
you come around before me
and pull me close
i snuggle into your arms

this is home
my thoughts drift
and there you are

standing before me
see your smile
and realize...

Breathe

Originally drafted in 03/2013 but not published. so.....I'll publish it now.
_________________________________________________________________


Breathe..
Breathe


breathe...again and again....

count to 10

do it again


breathe.

insert into file and lock it down
detach
detached.
am i?

pieces
pieces of selves
parts
split & cafefully catalogued
 walking on eggshells.
   for madam
dam
but ever was the beaver clever, in building his dams.
and i must follow their inspiration and create dams myself
when you feel yourself being torn apart
from the inside out
when all you feel is bright white bright warm bright LIGHT
and you can never let it show
when everything is a distoration of a reality i fought so hard to escape from
must find the portal to get out
a fail safe?

a safety hatch?

kill it with kindness.
all there is, is darkness
stuffing down the light
cutting         scratching.........         scathing...................
biting my fingers till they bleed
nervous habits
dam nervous habits.
not even noticed
until the it brings pain.
finally snapped out of it
lost in my head
escaping
within
inside my self
in my head
my oasis
i am standing in the woods, air crisp, clean...
feeling warm....breathing freely
taste the autumn from the breeze
weight lifted
tranquil

 cue vacuum sound through the ears


slammed back into reality with a vengence
too bad it wasn't with the avengers!
heart pounding
i'm shaking
from within out
feeling a bomb arming
an explosion barely contained

no life
not living
how can there be no drive for it?
why don't you want it?
WHY
its yours!
LIVE IT
I do not wish to live too lives
two lives
to lives
to live
I need to live
I can't breathe
suffocating
starving for air
feel another slice into the skin
take your pound of flesh

does it make you feel better?
no.........
because add a little giggle and suddenly its funny
right?
wrong
dead wrong
disrespectful
2 inches tall
yup
thats me
make it smaller
hopefully
invisible

?

nope.
slammed with a dose of a joke of how i'm forgetting to cater to an invisible list
keep close by for narry the eye to cast upon and see this list oh, no....oh no!! i have not seen the end
up and up it goes climbing the walls - covering them. enveloping them
enveloping all
swallowing whole
everything in its path
smothering
covering
suffocating

get it out
get it out of my head
right now.
RIGHT NOW
I want it out....Dr Dr......can you hear me?
oh Dr Dr..........
gotta love the 80's

err....
fragments
fragmented
space cadet
broken
cannot complete full sentences because i missed a button on full power up
when you shut off pieces of self to absorb what the body does NOT want to take in
is it abadoning?
jumping ship?
self preservation?
risky?
oh yes.
so, so risky.
something you keep pieces of self on the shelf and think its better kept away, closed off.
locked.
locked in
with no control
no
control is restored
if its protected
kept safe
super super secret
contained
under guards
under no uncertain terms
there is no break the glass in case of emergency here.

racing pounding thudding banging thumping trying to beat its way out of my chest
breathe.......
breathe....................

can i breathe?

smashed to pieces somewhere within
hollowed out
replaced with a metal heart
tin can man hooked me up
stored within a locket
a book
and a million other places i'll never tell
are the remnants of what had been
warm
whole
one
you don't get more than that
 staying inside you can forget how to live
how to breathe
how to live
locked away in some alternate universe
i wouldn't wish ................              .......

its causing me to burrow into my cave. to hide to call it a day. to keep it locked away. the anger. it wants to come back. its digging its way back. terrorizing - where has the logic gone? its gotta be laying around here somewhere. right? like a chip? or a reset button? hey!!! can I get a RESET?? sweet. thanks. oh.....no? this is my life? Perfect. PERFECT!

Life is perfect.

Life is love.

and I have so much white light.........blazing - ready to consume your demons - but will the world survive the war of the worlds? world war three? could those around be prepared for the fallout? the ripple effect through time and space. forever altering our reality - never able to go back. because once its out there.
those pesky little things called words.
there it is. the elephant in the room.
can i get a clean up on aisle 5 here?
whoa.
nuclear bomb yo.
explosions of words being hurtled through air casting out razor blades and shredding everything in its path. just more battle scars to add. more funny stories over crackling fire and a clank of the steins. because its like its not apart of me. like it didn't happen to me. like telling a story. cuz that all it is, right?
wrong. its real. reality bites. bleh. yuck moving on.
verbal vomit can be cleansing to the soul. get it out - get the toxic out. have to. must find balance. must redirect and deflect, defuse, diffuse, filter the energy so it may be restored to continue in its cycle.
 raw  broken.
you?
yeah.
  me too.
getting any easier?
  sometimes
as long as you don't answer yourself is talking to yourself really okay? what makes you crazy?
feeling crazy.
totes cra cra
a void
a vacuum
trapped within the Dome
hello??

breathe.
always remember to breathe
and remember life is perfect. i have me. the air to breathe and clear my head. the sun to warm my face. a song in my mind, drifting the tendrils of melodies - dancing through, moving and inspiring a spring to my step.

raw.

broken.

still?
still. i am.
but i'm also alive. and i'm going to act like it. in my small universe. where a smile from an old friend always feels like it was yesterday. grounding the reality. the one i chose to live in. i can spend time in that world......but escape procedures well established - right? hmm..........

decimated
devastated
frustrated
confused
dumbfounded

remember.....life is perfect. go through the words say them again.........keep repeating. breathe.
shredded and tattered but still fighting for life
challenging
knight in shining armor....will have to be for this one. nothings getting through. madday madday, houston we have a problem here, reality has been challenged!!

BOOOM....as shattered pieces of another heated argument still linger in the air, reeking of insult and self depracation mixed with a side of guilt. thank you, i'll take more please. as you wish
tumbling down the hill...
i'll take it all
all of your crap
i'll carry it all
its what you do
its who i am
the reflection not so easy to take
not able to look into my eyes
shut off unnecessary systems of self. go to work. jump down the rabbit hole. swallowed up whole. but don't forget the green pill. you did remember it right?? wrong.

crap

remember life is perfect. my new mantra. my reminder i'm me. i'm here too. i need to remember this person demanding so much autopilot by hitting the pause button. cuz really....its what its like. don't miss much when all there is on are reruns.

ahem.

get it out. write it out. get the toxic out. it will not come back. the anger. the gremlin. the Dr Jekyll WILL stay under lock and key.
i won't give you life. won't give you air. its my air to breathe. and i shall see to my duty as a good servant to they beloved. for though whilst do the same for me? right? oh......wait......

so much dark and twisty. but not more than the light. for without the darkness there would be no light. bringing harmony, wisdom, appreciation, patience, tolerance, unconditional love

it cannot be snuffed out