loss.

dusting the cobwebs off....loosening the reins so i might step off the high horse. find myself in preservation mode for too long. time to get real and heal. time to use my words to mend the wounds of loss. outward shell depicting a self who is 'fine' all the time. making progress each day. waking each morn to wonder what i've done. its been a long time since i allowed the words to flow. too raw & real are my words. too effective in expressing the process.

not afraid anymore.

life is full of daily challenges. daily successes. daily struggles. daily failures. daily smiles and laughs. finding new perspective to change attitude. perspective was there already, but stifled. stuffed down for fear of not being ready. but thats not living. especially when i still have the gift of life to enjoy. need to live again. breathe again. feel free again. drop the chains i've placed on myself for some seeming failure i put on myself in my time of taking care of you. taking a day off is okay.
I have to say it again. taking a day off is ok.
and once more.......when I took a day off it was ok.
When I took that particular day off - it was okay.
When I took that particular day off it IS okay.
I forgive me...
I forgive you.

______________________
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you
______________________

Feeling the sense of having failed someone for 2 years is a long time. Especially when that person I failed is no longer here to release me of it. I have to release me. And I find myself working through that process in these words.

i never know where my words will take me. I rarely edit or plan out what i write...I let it flow. let the words come through in a natural form. today, i learn, in order to begin again & write again, I needed to let this out. i needed to let it flow out of me.........the loss........the sense of failure. its finally leaving me.

i feel it washing over me in intense waves. the sadness. the grief. all of it bottled for too long. all of it contained so as not to upset. no one wants to witness intense emotion, not unless it is overjoyed happiness. or intense love. but you cannot love again unless you have allowed yourself to let go of your pain. the outer shell will fail eventually. mine has had cracks in it for some time. little by little, bit by bit, i have let it slowly start to seep out. its time to crack open & crack OFF that shell. no more.

for those who know me....you see a person always smiling & happy. daily i focus on things i can be thankful for, my home to keep me safe & warm. my health, my mobility....these are the things that have enabled me to put forth the impression of happiness while inside i had contained what really was going on. in order to move forward & be who i need to be in this next chapter of my life...i need to release that which no longer serves me. i speak of doing that with physical things, but it also must be done with my emotional baggage too.
______________________
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you
______________________

Loss is a horrendous experience. To go through it so many times already at my age, can nearly be too much in moments. but....this too shall pass. as all things do. i will allow myself to feel this now. to let it flow through. and each time it hits me again....it will have less impact. the time it takes my breath away will lessen. the moments that will follow will be richer for it. i will have greater appreciation for those around me. I must. for our time is always limited. that will never change. but no longer will i be a shell version of myself. because that is not authentic. i want to be remembered by those i leave behind as a genuine whole-hearted person. not as someone who always appeared happy, but everyone knew was still deeply sad inside.

I love you Grandpa.
I miss you every day. Since the day we said good-bye when I was 6

I love you Grandma.
I miss you every day, since the day we said good-bye when I was 14

I love you Dad.
I miss you Daddy.
I miss you everyday, since the day i had to say good-bye to you when i was 23
Good-bye Daddy.

I love you Mom
I miss you Mom
I am so sorry Mom
Please forgive me Momma
I miss you everyday, since the day i had to say good-bye and leave you in peace, when i was 34
Good-bye Momma
______________________
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you
______________________

I've lost so many more than this.....I have been to many funerals. My heart aches each time. But i never linger long in that feeling - for they have moved on & are free of feeling whatever ailed them in this life. I am not afraid of death. I have sat with each of these four people as they let go. It is truly a blessing and a privilege to be with someone as they cross over. It is total peace. the hard part is we want things to stay the same. and they cannot. but they can continue. in our hearts and minds, in our memories.

because....when you're standing inside of a home whose walls contain so many memories....it is easy to wall yourself within to protect yourself from feeling so much. or at least it seems easy. but really, its a choice. i chose that way. we each choose our path. now i choose different.
______________________
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
Thank you
______________________