Breathe

Originally drafted in 03/2013 but not published. so.....I'll publish it now.
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Breathe..
Breathe


breathe...again and again....

count to 10

do it again


breathe.

insert into file and lock it down
detach
detached.
am i?

pieces
pieces of selves
parts
split & cafefully catalogued
 walking on eggshells.
   for madam
dam
but ever was the beaver clever, in building his dams.
and i must follow their inspiration and create dams myself
when you feel yourself being torn apart
from the inside out
when all you feel is bright white bright warm bright LIGHT
and you can never let it show
when everything is a distoration of a reality i fought so hard to escape from
must find the portal to get out
a fail safe?

a safety hatch?

kill it with kindness.
all there is, is darkness
stuffing down the light
cutting         scratching.........         scathing...................
biting my fingers till they bleed
nervous habits
dam nervous habits.
not even noticed
until the it brings pain.
finally snapped out of it
lost in my head
escaping
within
inside my self
in my head
my oasis
i am standing in the woods, air crisp, clean...
feeling warm....breathing freely
taste the autumn from the breeze
weight lifted
tranquil

 cue vacuum sound through the ears


slammed back into reality with a vengence
too bad it wasn't with the avengers!
heart pounding
i'm shaking
from within out
feeling a bomb arming
an explosion barely contained

no life
not living
how can there be no drive for it?
why don't you want it?
WHY
its yours!
LIVE IT
I do not wish to live too lives
two lives
to lives
to live
I need to live
I can't breathe
suffocating
starving for air
feel another slice into the skin
take your pound of flesh

does it make you feel better?
no.........
because add a little giggle and suddenly its funny
right?
wrong
dead wrong
disrespectful
2 inches tall
yup
thats me
make it smaller
hopefully
invisible

?

nope.
slammed with a dose of a joke of how i'm forgetting to cater to an invisible list
keep close by for narry the eye to cast upon and see this list oh, no....oh no!! i have not seen the end
up and up it goes climbing the walls - covering them. enveloping them
enveloping all
swallowing whole
everything in its path
smothering
covering
suffocating

get it out
get it out of my head
right now.
RIGHT NOW
I want it out....Dr Dr......can you hear me?
oh Dr Dr..........
gotta love the 80's

err....
fragments
fragmented
space cadet
broken
cannot complete full sentences because i missed a button on full power up
when you shut off pieces of self to absorb what the body does NOT want to take in
is it abadoning?
jumping ship?
self preservation?
risky?
oh yes.
so, so risky.
something you keep pieces of self on the shelf and think its better kept away, closed off.
locked.
locked in
with no control
no
control is restored
if its protected
kept safe
super super secret
contained
under guards
under no uncertain terms
there is no break the glass in case of emergency here.

racing pounding thudding banging thumping trying to beat its way out of my chest
breathe.......
breathe....................

can i breathe?

smashed to pieces somewhere within
hollowed out
replaced with a metal heart
tin can man hooked me up
stored within a locket
a book
and a million other places i'll never tell
are the remnants of what had been
warm
whole
one
you don't get more than that
 staying inside you can forget how to live
how to breathe
how to live
locked away in some alternate universe
i wouldn't wish ................              .......

its causing me to burrow into my cave. to hide to call it a day. to keep it locked away. the anger. it wants to come back. its digging its way back. terrorizing - where has the logic gone? its gotta be laying around here somewhere. right? like a chip? or a reset button? hey!!! can I get a RESET?? sweet. thanks. oh.....no? this is my life? Perfect. PERFECT!

Life is perfect.

Life is love.

and I have so much white light.........blazing - ready to consume your demons - but will the world survive the war of the worlds? world war three? could those around be prepared for the fallout? the ripple effect through time and space. forever altering our reality - never able to go back. because once its out there.
those pesky little things called words.
there it is. the elephant in the room.
can i get a clean up on aisle 5 here?
whoa.
nuclear bomb yo.
explosions of words being hurtled through air casting out razor blades and shredding everything in its path. just more battle scars to add. more funny stories over crackling fire and a clank of the steins. because its like its not apart of me. like it didn't happen to me. like telling a story. cuz that all it is, right?
wrong. its real. reality bites. bleh. yuck moving on.
verbal vomit can be cleansing to the soul. get it out - get the toxic out. have to. must find balance. must redirect and deflect, defuse, diffuse, filter the energy so it may be restored to continue in its cycle.
 raw  broken.
you?
yeah.
  me too.
getting any easier?
  sometimes
as long as you don't answer yourself is talking to yourself really okay? what makes you crazy?
feeling crazy.
totes cra cra
a void
a vacuum
trapped within the Dome
hello??

breathe.
always remember to breathe
and remember life is perfect. i have me. the air to breathe and clear my head. the sun to warm my face. a song in my mind, drifting the tendrils of melodies - dancing through, moving and inspiring a spring to my step.

raw.

broken.

still?
still. i am.
but i'm also alive. and i'm going to act like it. in my small universe. where a smile from an old friend always feels like it was yesterday. grounding the reality. the one i chose to live in. i can spend time in that world......but escape procedures well established - right? hmm..........

decimated
devastated
frustrated
confused
dumbfounded

remember.....life is perfect. go through the words say them again.........keep repeating. breathe.
shredded and tattered but still fighting for life
challenging
knight in shining armor....will have to be for this one. nothings getting through. madday madday, houston we have a problem here, reality has been challenged!!

BOOOM....as shattered pieces of another heated argument still linger in the air, reeking of insult and self depracation mixed with a side of guilt. thank you, i'll take more please. as you wish
tumbling down the hill...
i'll take it all
all of your crap
i'll carry it all
its what you do
its who i am
the reflection not so easy to take
not able to look into my eyes
shut off unnecessary systems of self. go to work. jump down the rabbit hole. swallowed up whole. but don't forget the green pill. you did remember it right?? wrong.

crap

remember life is perfect. my new mantra. my reminder i'm me. i'm here too. i need to remember this person demanding so much autopilot by hitting the pause button. cuz really....its what its like. don't miss much when all there is on are reruns.

ahem.

get it out. write it out. get the toxic out. it will not come back. the anger. the gremlin. the Dr Jekyll WILL stay under lock and key.
i won't give you life. won't give you air. its my air to breathe. and i shall see to my duty as a good servant to they beloved. for though whilst do the same for me? right? oh......wait......

so much dark and twisty. but not more than the light. for without the darkness there would be no light. bringing harmony, wisdom, appreciation, patience, tolerance, unconditional love

it cannot be snuffed out